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I have this thing I do when I’ve been really careless and stupid; I force myself to suffer the consequences. Not in a creepy, masochistic way but in a kind of you-break-it-you-buy-it-you-made-your-bed-lie-in-it way. Like three years ago I threw out my wallet. Not on purpose of course but a rainy day, a broken, wet grocery bag and being late to a train all conspired to derail my attention. That’s how I came to be in my building’s basement up to my elbows clawing my way through 20 industrial size garbage bags in the hopes of finding my black Marc Jacobs wallet. You have no idea how disgusting other people are until you’ve rooted through their trash.
No wallet. So, as punishment for my idiocy, I went online and bought the cheapest, ugliest pink wallet I could find. My self inflicted scarlet 'A'. Think Malibu Barbie goes small leather goods shopping in a Fort Lauderdale hotel gift shop. I carried the wallet for two years until I decided I'd been punished enough.
Recently, I thought I’d make an autumnal and local fruit salad. Feeling virtuous for taking my re-usable bag to the farmer’s market I picked out a gorgeous box of deep purple Concord grapes, that had been sitting under a “seedless” sign. I thought they’d make a beautiful color contrast to the yellows, greens and mottled reds of the apples and pears I had also purchased. Except first of all, they turned out to be filled with seeds and second of all, have you ever tasted a plain concord grape? It is like the grapey-est most intense and sour experience you could imagine. They are just too much. What was I thinking?
I refused to waste the $5.00 I’d spent on them and decided to find a recipe using my stupid purchase. I thought about a Concord grape pie, for which there were tons of experts from New England all over the internet. But then I realized, who in the world is going to want to eat that? Then I thought about the only thing that might appeal to my familial customers...grape jelly! Ok, not officially an adventure in baking but really, what else could I do? I actually hate grape jelly and whenever a coffee shop puts those little packets on my side of wheat toast I ask the waiter to please replace them with orange marmalade or strawberry (which they always have by the way and you should totally ask for it). I’d never made jelly or jam before and I thought I’d channel my inner Laura Ingalls Wilder (minus the outhouse and plus the manicure) and get my pioneer on!
After doing my due diligence I bought the requisite equipment: 4 Ball jelly jars, lids & bands, a box of Ball Original Pectin and a pack of cheese cloth ($12.01 at Gracious Home). I already had the sugar and consulted The Good Housekeeping Cookbook (2001 Hearst Communications, Inc.) on how to improvise a boiling water canner. I was good to go. Or so I thought.
Early on a Sunday morning I started my project. I smashed the grapes and added the correct amount of water. And then I mistakenly added the sugar. I had screwed up the 'make grape juice' part of the recipe, had to start all over again and had no grapes. So at 9:30am I ran to the fruit market and bought another box of this thoroughly unappealing fruit ($3.99 at Fairway).
Ok, starting again I did it right this time and poured the hot grape mess/mass into my make shift ‘jelly bag’ (cheesecloth fastened around a bowl with a rubber band.)
After the prescribed two hours all I had was a little over a cup of juice. The recipe called for five.
Meanwhile, I had to wash and sterilize the jelly jars in my dishwasher so they would still be hot and dry when it was time to fill them. They sat on a dish towel at the ready. I put a cake sized cooling rack in the bottom of a stock pot, filled it with water and got that boiling-my improvised canner. Then I cooked the juice with the pectin and the sugar, and when it was ready I ladled (oops, had to also run out to spend $3.99 on a ladle at Gartner’s Hardware) the purple liquid into the awaiting jelly jars. Yup, didn’t need to buy four, I only filled two.
Using a pot holder I put the jars in the boiling water bath, placed the lid on the pot and prepared to wait the required 10 minutes.
Except that the water boiled up and over the pot, flooding the cook top and making the worst sizzling sound. I tried to move it and all I did was slosh boiling water everywhere, narrowly avoiding third degree burns.
I grabbed a measuring cup and bailed out cups of water, screwing up the whole ‘make sure the jars are covered by two inches of water’ instruction. But, finally things calmed down. After the ten minutes I used rubber gloves to pull the jars out of the water, put them back on the dishtowel where they were to sit for 12-24 hours to allow them to set. And then I heard the best, most satisying sound. Like the opposite of when you open a new jar of pickles. Even with the mishap I’d managed to create a vacuum seal!
The next morning I was amazed-both jars had indentations at the top of their lids. Then I gently shook the jars and I had done it--jelly!
Not being a grape fan I spread a spoonful on a piece of toast and it was really delicious! Like the distilled intense essence of grape. But I still had to convince the experts. First stop, my father (yes, at his age he still eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches). We did a blind taste test, Smuckers Grape Jelly vs Mine. "This has no discernible fruit flavor at all!" He pronounced chewing the Smuckers smeared cracker with a sneer on his face. My turn. "Oh wow! Now, this is grape!!!" He said with a smile. Yup, Mine won that test.
Now, onto the niece. She summed up my project with one word: “awesome"--definitely worth my punishment and my $21.99!
Punishment Concord Grape Jelly
Click here for the recipe
The other day I said something I have never said and have mocked others for saying, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” I had put on a pair of skinny jeans straight from the dryer and they were feeling a little…snug. Now, before those of you who know me say “give me a break” I will acknowledge that I know I am not fat and, considering the amount of baking and taste testing I do, I know that I am lucky that I am not fat. And it really is luck. As I say to a friend who has struggled with her weight for a lifetime, “Yes, but you have fabulous hair!” Which is totally true; it’s straight, thick and impervious to any weather condition. In other words, we all have our crosses to bear and mine is my hair-I may be thin but if I added up all the time and money I have spent beating my tresses into straight, highlighted submission….well, who knows where I might have ended up in life.
Back to snug jeans. After asking the question the response to which is always debated on Tyra (“embrace your booty!”) or The Today Show panel of marriage counselors (“explain to your partner that his response did not make you feel good about you.”) my friend said, “you could never look fat.” Right answer but had he really looked? I said, turning my posterior to him, “how about now?” There was a long pause. “Why aren’t you saying anything? You think I look fat!” And he quickly rushed to say, “no, no. Not fat. Just a little, well, you look a little boxy.”
“Boxy?! Like the kind of box that comes from Zappos?
Or the kind that comes from Tiffany?”
“No, no! A small box! A very little box! I think it’s the pockets, they’re just in a funny place that makes you look boxy when you aren’t boxy at all.” Quick thinking pal but I was not convinced.
So, I had fat on the brain when I got ready to bake muffins for a neighbor who was returning from the hospital-I didn’t want the result to be muffin top for either of us. I adapted Ellie Krieger’s pretty healthy recipe, hoping the mini size would reinforce the mini-ness of me. You know, I think I’m feeling slightly less boxy already-or maybe my jeans have stretched.
No Muffin Top Low Fat Pumpkin Mini Muffins
Ingredients
Cooking spray
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole-grain pastry flour
¼ cup ground flax seeds
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
3 tablespoons unsulphered molasses
1/4 cup canola oil
2 large eggs
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 cup lowfat buttermilk
1/4 cup raw, unsalted pumpkin seeds
Directions
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Coat a 24-cup mini muffin pan with cooking spray or line tin with paper liners. If you have two 24 cup mini muffin pans, great. If not you can just wait for the first batch to cool, spray pan again and reuse.
In a medium bowl, whisk together the all-purpose and whole-wheat flours, ground flax seeds, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, and nutmeg.
In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, molasses, oil and eggs until thoroughly combined. Whisk in the pumpkin and vanilla. Whisk in the flour mixture in 2 batches, alternating with the buttermilk. Do not over-mix.
Scoop batter (using mini ice cream scoop or tablespoons) into the prepared muffin pan. Batter should fill 2/3 of each muffin cup. Sprinkle with the pumpkin seeds. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a muffin comes out clean.
Let pan cool on a wire rack for 15 minutes. Run a knife around the muffins to loosen them and unmold. Cool completely on the rack.
Yield-42 mini muffins
These are great warmed up a bit and served with apple butter. Oh, who are we kidding? Smear them with real butter!
One of my favorite things to do is eavesdrop. It’s terrible to admit but I've been known to shush my dining companion’s soliloquy just so I can listen in on the couple having a tiff next to us. I’m fascinated by how other people talk to each other and it’s always nice when the drama doesn’t involve me. Years ago, at a neighborhood Chinese restaurant, we were seated next to a 50 something couple and their 20 something son. As we took our seats I noticed the mother was looking down at her plate and shaking her head in that I-can’t- believe-he’s-saying-this kind of way. The father was looking imploringly at his son. The son stood up dramatically, still holding his napkin, and bellowed, “that’s it! I will never break bread with the Sterns again!” and with that he hurled his napkin onto the detritus of his moo shu pork and shrimp fried rice and stormed out. To this day I’m still dying to know what the Sterns did that was so bad.
Once, at a Mexican restaurant, the two women next to us were enjoying chips and salsa and chatting away. Again, I shot my dining companion a look and mouthed, “I’m working”-code for “shut up, this is good.” The two women were talking about how the husband of one had just written his will and how freaked out she was. Her friend comforted her, using her name which was quite unusual. My ears pricked even higher as there was only one woman I knew of with this unusual name and I was really hoping this was not she. Unusual Name responded with “[Name of Husband goes here] says it’s all because I’m pregnant. I’m just getting so emotional.” And she began to cry. I almost did a margarita spit-take when I realized she was the wife of a guy I had dated (if you consider dating months of so many ups and downs I should have gotten sea sick) that ended with him crying on a park bench when he broke it off with me. And now this winner of the jackass, arrogance, narcissism trifecta was going to be a father? That poor child. And why did his wife have to be so pretty?
In addition to listening in on other diners’ chit chat I also have food envy. It’s all I can do not to ask “is that good?” to a stranger eating her crab cake. And don’t think I haven’t been tempted to grab an abandoned French fry or the last bite of cake once my neighbors have left. I still haven’t stooped that low but I’m sure some day I will.
The other night I was out to dinner with friends who passed on having dessert. I went along with it knowing I had cookies at home but on my way out I saw a woman plunging her fork into the brownie sundae she was sharing with her man. Suddenly my awaiting cookies seemed like poor substitutes. So…time to make my favorite brownies!
These are the best brownies ever if you like your brownies fudge-y and rich. (Cakey brownie lovers? Move it along-there's nothing to see here.) As far as I'm concerned, there is no need to search for any other recipe. Believe me, I’ve tried them all. Now, again, when you see ‘coffee’ on the list of ingredients don’t start with “oh, but I hate coffee.” Or “it will keep me up.” 1) The brownies don’t actually taste like coffee, just deep and dark chocolatey 2) Buy decaf espresso powder if you’re worried. You’ll be fine. Also, nuts? Are you nuts? They just get in the way so forgo them.
I make half of the original Barefoot Contessa recipe, see below, so I can actually fit the pan in the oven and fit into my clothes. I also cut them into one inch squares so I can have more than one!
Notes: When melting the chocolate I put the bowl in the microwave and nuke it for one minute intervals-stirring after each minute. Usually can be stirred smooth after 3 nukes. Also, to reduce clean up I use one small Ziploc baggie to mix my flour, baking powder and salt and another for the 6 oz of chips and 2 Tablespoon of flour mixture. Please don’t give me a hard time about my plastic consumption-my dishwasher is tiny.
Better Than Food Envy Brownies
adapted from The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook
link to printer friendly version
Ingredients
2 sticks unsalted butter
8oz (or 1 ¼ cups) plus 6oz (or 1 cup) Ghiradelli 60% Cacao chocolate chips, divided
3 ounces unsweetened chocolate (I use Baker’s Unsweetened Chocolate Squares)
3 extra-large eggs
4 1/2 teaspoons instant coffee powder
1 Tablespoon real vanilla extract
1 cup + 2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 cup 2 Tablespoons flour, divided
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 13 by 9 inch pan.
Melt together the butter, 8 oz (1 ¼ cups) chocolate chips, and unsweetened chocolate (3 squares) on top of a double boiler or use microwave method above. Cool slightly. Stir together the eggs, instant coffee, vanilla and sugar. Stir in the warm chocolate mixture and cool to room temperature.
Stir together the flour, baking powder and salt. Add to cooled chocolate mixture. Toss the remaining 6 oz (1 cup) chocolate chips with 2 Tbs flour to coat. Stir into the chocolate batter and mix till fully incorporated. Pour into prepared pan.
Bake for 25-30 minutes, or until tester just comes out clean. Do not over-bake! Cool thoroughly, refrigerate and cut into squares-the size is up to you.
My Most Recent Chocolate Chip Cookies and Better Than Food Envy Brownies-two choices are better than one!
I have this thing I do when I’ve been really careless and stupid; I force myself to suffer the consequences. Not in a creepy, masochistic way but in a kind of you-break-it-you-buy-it-you-made-your-bed-lie-in-it way. Like three years ago I threw out my wallet. Not on purpose of course but a rainy day, a broken, wet grocery bag and being late to a train all conspired to derail my attention. That’s how I came to be in my building’s basement up to my elbows clawing my way through 20 industrial size garbage bags in the hopes of finding my black Marc Jacobs wallet. You have no idea how disgusting other people are until you’ve rooted through their trash.
No wallet. So, as punishment for my idiocy, I went online and bought the cheapest, ugliest pink wallet I could find. My self inflicted scarlet 'A'. Think Malibu Barbie goes small leather goods shopping in a Fort Lauderdale hotel gift shop. I carried the wallet for two years until I decided I'd been punished enough.
Recently, I thought I’d make an autumnal and local fruit salad. Feeling virtuous for taking my re-usable bag to the farmer’s market I picked out a gorgeous box of deep purple Concord grapes, that had been sitting under a “seedless” sign. I thought they’d make a beautiful color contrast to the yellows, greens and mottled reds of the apples and pears I had also purchased. Except first of all, they turned out to be filled with seeds and second of all, have you ever tasted a plain concord grape? It is like the grapey-est most intense and sour experience you could imagine. They are just too much. What was I thinking?
I refused to waste the $5.00 I’d spent on them and decided to find a recipe using my stupid purchase. I thought about a Concord grape pie, for which there were tons of experts from New England all over the internet. But then I realized, who in the world is going to want to eat that? Then I thought about the only thing that might appeal to my familial customers...grape jelly! Ok, not officially an adventure in baking but really, what else could I do? I actually hate grape jelly and whenever a coffee shop puts those little packets on my side of wheat toast I ask the waiter to please replace them with orange marmalade or strawberry (which they always have by the way and you should totally ask for it). I’d never made jelly or jam before and I thought I’d channel my inner Laura Ingalls Wilder (minus the outhouse and plus the manicure) and get my pioneer on!
After doing my due diligence I bought the requisite equipment: 4 Ball jelly jars, lids & bands, a box of Ball Original Pectin and a pack of cheese cloth ($12.01 at Gracious Home). I already had the sugar and consulted The Good Housekeeping Cookbook (2001 Hearst Communications, Inc.) on how to improvise a boiling water canner. I was good to go. Or so I thought.
Ok, starting again I did it right this time and poured the hot grape mess/mass into my make shift ‘jelly bag’ (cheesecloth fastened around a bowl with a rubber band.)
After the prescribed two hours all I had was a little over a cup of juice. The recipe called for five.
Meanwhile, I had to wash and sterilize the jelly jars in my dishwasher so they would still be hot and dry when it was time to fill them. They sat on a dish towel at the ready. I put a cake sized cooling rack in the bottom of a stock pot, filled it with water and got that boiling-my improvised canner. Then I cooked the juice with the pectin and the sugar, and when it was ready I ladled (oops, had to also run out to spend $3.99 on a ladle at Gartner’s Hardware) the purple liquid into the awaiting jelly jars. Yup, didn’t need to buy four, I only filled two.
Using a pot holder I put the jars in the boiling water bath, placed the lid on the pot and prepared to wait the required 10 minutes.
Except that the water boiled up and over the pot, flooding the cook top and making the worst sizzling sound. I tried to move it and all I did was slosh boiling water everywhere, narrowly avoiding third degree burns.
I grabbed a measuring cup and bailed out cups of water, screwing up the whole ‘make sure the jars are covered by two inches of water’ instruction. But, finally things calmed down. After the ten minutes I used rubber gloves to pull the jars out of the water, put them back on the dishtowel where they were to sit for 12-24 hours to allow them to set. And then I heard the best, most satisying sound. Like the opposite of when you open a new jar of pickles. Even with the mishap I’d managed to create a vacuum seal!
Not being a grape fan I spread a spoonful on a piece of toast and it was really delicious! Like the distilled intense essence of grape. But I still had to convince the experts. First stop, my father (yes, at his age he still eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches). We did a blind taste test, Smuckers Grape Jelly vs Mine. "This has no discernible fruit flavor at all!" He pronounced chewing the Smuckers smeared cracker with a sneer on his face. My turn. "Oh wow! Now, this is grape!!!" He said with a smile. Yup, Mine won that test.
Now, onto the niece. She summed up my project with one word: “awesome"--definitely worth my punishment and my $21.99!
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